Sweet nothings

Dear so and so...the at that stressed point in packing version...

'Dear" BT,
Today I found out - pity the fool who had to tell me - I will be internet less in my new house for a while. As in weeks. Okay so yes, the internet works fine on my phone for reading blogs etc, and my computer will work offline fine so I can scrapbook etc. But the computer will not talk to the internet, so no uploading of photos to share online, uploading of work photos to printers, etc etc. UNTIL AFTER CHRISTMAS.   All because we use a BT line with a non BT company so you get to sulk and call the shots. I know, to you and your employees, the internet is a fun place for facebook chatting and VERY LITTLE WORK but to me, and many more people like me, the internet is part of our work and needed. 
RAIN on my parade, British Telecom, why dont you  *insert many many many angry words here* 
When you reach and finally push that button for my internet connection, watch out for those hate mails... I will be composing one every day that my internet is offline.
Bastards.

Have a really terrible Christmas. May your shares crash and burn.
Pissed off in Hampshire. 

 

Dear fellow members of the house, 
You know how I kept 'nagging' you to pack your own room/very precious music stuff? You remember how you both asked me not to touch your stuff and that you would do it all yourselves?
Should have listened to me and moved faster. I have now used all the boxes. Yes, even the new ones. That's what they are for -using!!! not walking by.
You snooze you lose. I hear Asda have extra strong bin bags. Good luck with that.
HA!
Super fast packing person. 

Dear everybody,
I have also decided PMT and moving house is not a pretty combination. Just so you know. If I bite your head off, its nothing personal. I'll just be finding you, and everyone else, really bloody annoying. You're welcome. 

I might like you next week
now go away. 

 

Dear housemoving boxes online.
Part of my great rage and pissy mood is your fault. You might want to reconsider putting instructions in with your 'wardrobe hanging box'. Because I just spent 30 minutes and a whole lot of tape on the damn thing and it DOESNT LOOK ANY THING LIKE A BOX! NEVER MIND A WARDROBE! I cant assemble it at all, I have no idea where the folds are supposed to go and I am giving myself a hard time over this. Therapy bill in post for you. 
Putting it in suitcases...

Dear home weather predictor,
Here's an idea, what about if you used things like... oh I dont know the MET OFFICE? or BBC weather? before you rattled off your weather, and not use things like gossip, hearsay or a random whim to say words like 'Snow!' out loud ? SOME of us are moving house and are a teeeeeny bit stressed about the weather whilst bribing removal men to drive down a tiny lane in the middle of nowhere. 
Merry Christmas!
house moving science believer...

 

Dear Removal men from the company we are not using, 
NO, you dismantle the beds, because a) that's what we pay you for, and b) do I look like I have any 'spare' time?
Lady with boxes travelling by your competitors.

 

And finally - the top five ways to really annoy  me the person packing the entire house up 

1) If you don't live here -Ask me ' are you all packed yet?' Certain smack in the mouth. I'm doing damn good thank you very much. Thanks for your help. Please come visit in the new year. Like 2018 ;)

2) If you do live here -
Ask me where something is. Watch my lips ...Its in a box. Dont make me say it again.

3) Ask me where something really random is. When I say I packed it, say very loudly 'well why did you pack that already?!'  {oh I dont know... for fun? oh wait...}

4) Tut at the noise of the masking tape. TUT!!??? WTF.

5) Suddenly go 'OMG! we are moving in nine days!' Some of us knew that. See these boxes...?

 

 Note to self -

;)

Dear so and so...the cranky version...

 

Dear Mother Nature.

Me and you, we go way back. I love you - you know that.

But this every-day-three-pm school run rain thing? Its not so nice.

I know exactly how you're feeling - this time of year is no fun for anyone. But really? rain? on the school run? everyday?

 lets stop now. 

 

the soggy one who forgets her umbrella often.

*************

 

Dear spell check.

wtf.

you are so annoying lately. You totally miss random mistakes. and then...

I’m almost considering changing the names of some of my family members because you keep correcting them when they weren't wrong in the first place!!!!

I’m sure Millie and Fan will understand.

 

not yours,

Britgirl. {yes- all one word!!}

 

***********

Dear hair.

really? Are you going to all night parties without me?

yours, slightly scared of the mirror in the morning.

 

***********

Dear drivers of taxis, white vans and other general cliche vehicles,

wow all of you on the road at once today huh? 

Its not a good week to cut me up, change lanes without indicating, or rev next to me at lights.

I WILL WIN. 

yours

quiet little Mummy in the silver car, thank you x

 

****************

Dear November.

 Hurry the heck up. October is being an arse

thanks

love and peace

mx 

 

 

Dear so and so...

Dear kidney infection.

nice timing

and yes indeed what painful power you bring along.

I hate you.

I’m busy end of this week, so you know, go away now.

 

the worlds worst patient

************* 

 

Dear everyone in a two hundred mile radius

yes I may be the growly bear type right now,

this is not my fault {see above}

please bear {hahaha} with me.

Its not personal; I dont like anybody right now.

 

grrrr

Cranky,
Southampton.

 

***************

Dear Creative live.

I was watching that :(

Please stop the server crashing as a result of lots of people tuning in, OR stop the advertising to ‘tune in now’ if you cant handle that.

 I’m not feeling very understanding about it, sorry.

 

really bored photographer from ‘bed rest’

 

***********************

 

Dear September, 

Word has it you're going to be awesome.

Well of course you are, Knew I could rely on my birthday month for that at least.

Not to mention fabulous weather, and beautiful scenery.

 

Virgoan, Hampshire

 

********************

 

Dear Bob.

I love you

sorry about the falling out, 

I’m glad you and I are back together and super busy over the next few weeks.

Youre the best camera a girl could own, you know that? :)

 

Your other half x

 

*******************

 

Dear postman/parcel delivery man.

Ah the power of the internet, allowing me to order new books to read and other delightful things to cheer myself up.

Just relying on you now...

MOVE IT!!!

 

Still lacking that virtue, Hampshire

 

********************

 

 

Dear Dr

ah, 

well yes

possibly you knew best

but you know

Us busy types - who eat our veggies and go to the gym,
don't like to be told to slow down and take care of ourselves.

Point taken.

Yours, 

slowed down and poorly, 

xx

 

Dear so and so...

Dear Pinterest.

that was three quite important hours of my life I just spent with you.

can I have them back now?

Yours,
lost in cyberspace.

******

Dear parcel delivery man

Ours has always been a love hate relationship.

But can you hurry the freak up?

Yours,
missing a virtue, Hampshire

******

Dear August

You forgot something

{I’ll give you a clue; its hot, yellow,  hangs in the sky,  makes us warm....}

yours,
Still in october clothes mostly, or freezing in sandals...

******

Dear Whatsapp.

I love you.

except when you dont work.

just so you know...

Data user extraordinaire

******

Dear self.

motivate.  like now, and not at midnight.

thanks,
comfy in the armchair x

******

Dear small people of my house.

Lets try toothpaste from tube to brush to teeth shall we? and miss the whole smearing across mirror part out.
come on, you can do it!

 Mumma x

******

Dear teenager.

I only tidied this room yesterday!!!!!!!! 

Just get this printed out very large and stick it on your mirror.
Will save me saying it every.morning.without.fail.

somewhere near the end of my tether, Hampshire.

******

Dear Teachers at my kids schools.

I have this radical idea.

Lets go back to school tomorrow.

Thanks,
Sanity fading, southampton

******

Dear fellow parents who exclaim loudly how they love no school, and adore having their kids with them, all day, every day,

Would you like mine?

You're welcome,
me x

******

Dear future plans.

hurry up.

I dont do waiting.

Original Britgirl x

 

 

 

 

 

dear so and so...

Dear week,

wow.
that was fast.
I may need some time to catch up. I dont think I did anything I was hoping to get round too :/

Yours,

super busy crazy schedule woman, Hampshire.

*****************

 

Dear End of school year schedule,  and M & D's teachers,

I give up, I haven't a hope of taking it all in, remembering the right stuff, or being present at all 'parents may come if they wish' occasions. Its all a bit much crammed in one and a bit weeks. 
I have no idea if we are coming or going. Sorry about that.

Yours,

going to lie down now x

***************

 

Dear Headache,

yeah - not now.
Please see above. and take a long rain check.

Yours,

still trying to find time to lie down now.

************

 

Dear iPhone

shutter lag? typing lag? WHAT IS THIS? have you gone android when I wasn't looking?!
do keep up, its busy round here,

me x

**************

 

Dear grown up Son,

Try and keep all that crap in your own rooms. Dont eat all the larder every day. and for heavens sake, stop using every single cup in the house!!!

Your loving Mumma, x

**************

 

Dear littler children,

I'm a bit cranky, see headache/full schedule notes above.

Dont push your luck; yes you do have to get up and dressed every school morning and no, there is no time for playing on the ipad.

please find your shoes.

Your loving mumma x

**************

 

Dear 18-30s resort, Greece :/

try not to burn/lose or damage teen daughter.
And send her home with all her belongs.

But no sand. Thats what broke the washing machine last time...

yours

Shaking head, Concerned parent  

**********

 

Dear Vet,

I always wanted your job when I was little. 
And now I'm paying your bills I want it even more.
Let me know how the maldives/cruise round the world/large mansion/whatever it is you're spending these profits on, works out for you.

yours,

slightly cynical and paranoid any pet gets sick, Southampton.

**************

 

Dear Hubby,

Thank you for not freaking out when I lost my watch. And not rolling your eyes too much when I found it again. The meal out was lovely and I really enjoyed having your share of the wine too ;)

the Mrs. 

*******************

 

Dear Spa,

I am coming. Only a few more weeks.

Cant wait,

already packed,  exhausted, Hampshire. 

********************

 

Dear so and so...

Dear iPhone,

whats....with... this...new...'shutterlag'...when...typing  
and thenthe madrushtoaddallthelettersatonce?

Yours

not-that-impressed owner.

:(

 

*****

 

Dear well meaning,

Its not entirely your fault, how were you to know 

how ignorant it is to say how well my camera takes photos.

Its a bit like me saying how well your oven makes cakes.

 Sorry about screaming and running from the room,

me.

 

*****

Dear people on twitter that may be related to me,

twitter is not facebook. Spare me your detailed private life complaining.

You realise the whole world can read tweets right?

Someone who might be known as mumma

 

****

Dear not-so-teen-son,

I let you eat my cupboards nearly bare, I bought you things to take back to Uni with you.

So dont think I’m being funny when I complain about the stash of stuff you ‘acquired” from the fridge and larder to take back with you, when you thought I wouldn't notice.

Oi!
Please bring back the cheese/loo roll/bread/crisps/biscuits!!!!

Mumma

*****

Dear littlest person in the house

hmm, recurring theme;

can you stop getting up and coming in my room at 6.00am when we dont have too {ie; every day in the spring break}

and needing to be dragged complaining from bed when we DO have to? {ie; every school run day}

Mumma bears without sleep are not happy.

grrrr.

{v grouchy} mumma

 

*****

Dear bank balance,

yeah, that was the Easter break week one

brace yourself, here comes week two.

:(

Yours,

No such thing as a free day out anymore.

 

 

Dear So and so...

Dear Driver of the big silver audi, on the motorway back from Winchester,

Its a pretty simple road rule that I realise you might not have heard before- this is my lane, that is yours. We have these cute little orange lights we use for deciding to go into another lane. You should try them.
Try not to suddenly drive along the middle of both lanes whilst going round the bendy part of the motorway. 

thanks;

almost heart attack victim, Hampshire

***

Dear one of the girls School,

You are lovely, we do love you.
But three letters in a row asking for money for different things? 
Have we gone private overnight?

yours,

The parents without a money tree.

***

Dear Facebook,

People I may know?
Nope, STILL haven't a clue.
Please try harder, or just remove that stupid bit anyway...

thank you

Britgirl

****

Dear email

erm, why do you sync somethings and not others? You were doing it so well.
And whats with the message not downloaded from server stuff? didn't we fix that last year?!

Have you and the iPhone fallen out? 

Confused

Apple owner.

***

Dear people not on Facebook or Twitter or instagram or...,

You really dont have to join. I couldn't care less if you do or don't  do 'social Media"
But dont run it down just on hearsay and what you think it must be like.
Try it,use it, before you can make a judgement. I'm thinking you don't understand so should be quiet now.

Thanks

Little tired of defending my media choices.

****

Dear Miss D,

Oh yes, the power of sleeping in your own bed.
You rock. YOUR bed is now your bed of choice.
Who knew we would live to see this day?

Only six years of broken sleep to catch up on... not including your big sister's contribution.

*yawn*

Mumma

****

Dear off camera lighting expert,

I was totally following you. I was right there, even tho my brain was in shock from being used.
And then you lost me. And now I am so lost I cant even begin to tell you where you lost me.

Would you mind saying all that again?

Yes all of that. No, don't tear your hair out.

Camera owner at back of the class.

***

Dear Violet the chicken,

angry and broody? already?!
I hate to be the one to break it to you, there are no chicks in those eggs, only omelettes.

Now let the other hens in the hen house!!

Mumma x

 ***

Dear shops in town.

You're dull. Nothing new, nothing exciting.

Maybe its not you its me?
Either way, I think its over.

Yours, 

Driving to another town now.

***

 

Dear Solar Storm,

I’m really sorry I said the media were making you up. You know what they are like though...

Please don't touch my internet connection. Its hard enough to get BT working as it is, thanks. Unless you want to zap it into turbo boost? that would be nice  a miracle.

on-line and hoping to stay that way, Southampton.

 

***

Dear So and so...

Its amazing how these occur to me at very odd random times of the day... ;)

 

Dear fellow car “driver”,
You see those white lines dotted about the car park? Those aren't just decorative.
You're supposed to park in-between them. NOT over them any old how, so close to my car I cant actually open the door to get back in. 
Thanks so much for the added aggro on my busy day
Yours,
Any-idea-how-hard-it-is-to-climb-across-gearstick-in-a-skirt, Hampshire

***

Dear Twitter,
YOU LET TEENAGERS ON? including mine?!
How could you? I thought we were leaving them on Facebook!
Now I have to watch what I tweet, thanks
Yours,
Much quieter tweeter.

***

Dear Chickens,
You know I love you, all six of you crazy feathered pets.
But you need to stop digging holes. Especially the holes right next to the fence. 
I thought it was foxes digging in I’d have to worry about, not chickens digging out!
I’m not Mrs Tweedy you know.
love
Your slightly concerned owner, in the house.

***

Dear short people of the house,
Yes it is half term school break.
No we do not have to ‘do something like a theme park' every day.
No you do not need to bounce out of bed so early.
and no, you do not have to bicker over every.single.thing.
Thanks,
The taxi driver/laundry washer/chef aka Mum.

***

Dear really good friend of mine,
Can you stop working so much?
I miss you
Yours,
Slightly lonely person, drowning in half term kids. 

***

Dear facebook,
Dont listen to anyone, I love timeline, I’ve had it for ages.
They’ll come round, they always do ;)
Yours, 
FB Beta tester ;) embracing the change...

***

 

Dear so and so

the lovely Sarah, found this on a lovely blog. So we all did it :) Awesome. Absolutely going to keep this up :)

{truly an insight into my last few weeks!!!}

Dear Sales Staff

Is it me or can you hear that too? Its a ringing phone.  I once had a job where I had to answer a ringing phone within five rings. It was drummed into me BIG TIME, seriously stuck with me and now? Ringing phones drive me crazy. To the point of having to leave your store if you ignore it and ignore it and ignore it...

Answer it or resign

The ex-PA, Melanie

*******

Dear smallest child of mine,

I am really glad you are so charming at school. It does my heart proud to hear the teachers talk about you like that. But; do we really have to save up all those whiney, complaining, angry diva moments for me on the way home?

No, we don't,

Mumma

x

*******

 

Dear Beloved,

You work very hard and are a mighty fine man. I am glad you managed to make yourself dinner the other day. But dont you think, by now, you should know where we keep the cheese grater/onions/pasta/saucepan lids in this kitchen?

We’ve only lived here nine years. 

The Chef.

******

 

 

Dear Hobbs,

Please can you reduce the price of that green mac? 

For some reason Hubby thinks over £100 for a lightweight, totally not waterproof, this seasons colour so wont wear it next season, hasnt got a hood or any warmth to it at all, but is very pretty, mac, is asking a bit much.

I know I know, but what can I do?

Yours 

Dependant Housewife

 

******

 

Dear Inner Thighs,

please tone up or leave. 

thanks

Overly tired gym goer,

 

******

Dear Camera holding man at the Park,

Thanks for coming up and talking to me the other day. Yes; I was aware how big my camera is, yes; especially  for a girl to carry. Yes; I do know its not a patch on real film. No; I didn't know you have used the same camera since 1974. Yes; it is marvellous. Yes; that is the family that have paid me to take their photos arriving, yes; it is best if you leave me to it...

Can you move on now.

Thanks

Canon 5D mk II owner.

 

 

;)