and I'm feeling good.

Okay, that song is now firmly in my head.. ;)

At some point, over the last year or two or three, I have found myself feeling pretty okay. I have everything is fab days, and I have well some parts of this are crap days. 
What I dont  have are days where everything is terrible and bleak. 

I have suffered from horrendous depression. and, like a a lot of serious illnesses, its a long long time after being right smack in the middle of it, that you feel you can say I dont have depression anymore. 

That's a reason for a big party, folks. Its a huge MASSIVE mountain range of emotions, time and effort between cant-get-out-of-bed to bouncing along in everyday life. If you have been fortunate enough never to have dealt with depression yourself, I cant begin to tell you how far that distance is.
I actually cant picture myself feeling like that, I cant figure out how I felt like that, nor why I felt like that for so long before doing something about it. I am grateful I dont feel like that. So so grateful.

I made some scrapbook pages about feeling deppressed, during that 'lovely fun' black time. I found them again yesterday whilst looking for something else. I wanted to show you them, and that lead to me having to fill you in on why I made them... so there you go :)

still LOVE this one -

and this one - which I still firmly believe.

At the time this next page was meant EXACTLY how I felt. Now, I cant even imagine feeling like that. It makes me very sad to read how low I was.
 

I have a page thats even sadder, that I cant bring myself to post. Rock bottom, thats where I was. 
However you begin to see little sparks of hope on my pages...

These sparks arent by chance, these are by effort.

I got a bit..er angry... on the way...

but I still stand by those rules there, I just go about them a little more quietly ;) every time I read that 'allowances' page, I do find myself going 'too bloody right!' :) :)

I find the last page in my folder of depression pages is completely the other way. But it has a point. 

Where am I now? I'm really good thanks :) life is busy;good busy and things are okay generally all round. I quite like me :)

I have a few quirks ;) left over. But; so does everyone. Yes, even those who tell you they dont ;)  Ironically, after spending so long hiding depression from people,  now I find some of those that knew about it, have a hard time keeping up with me and still expect? predict? assume? depression or depressive thoughts from me. It's okay, they will get the hang of me sooner or later ;) 
I have no time for fakers, mean people, or those lovely 'passive agressive' types who wiped me out without really thinking about what they did.  I have lots of time for anyone still climbing those mountains to get to 'okay' . Just dont stop. Dont accept it. 

{And I am 1000% behind the latest campaign from Mind. Its funny, and its true. :) }

 

 

Comments

[Trude]

I am so, so thrilled for you! I could kind of see it in the progression of your blogging. And yes, definitely, life is too short for those who hold you back or can't be bothered. The first few months of this year were really quite tough for me, and I felt the same way, like I had to hide it from everyone. And it also doesn't mean every moment is terrible, either. But you keep moving, keep doing, and suddenly you feel like you look good in a dress or something. :) Life is good.

[Trude]

*And I should note that I'm not in any way trying to compare a rough patch with how far you've come! Just can't help but empathize. Especially when I didn't even realize how depressed I was until I had almost run out of sick days after not being able to get out of bed in the morning. Anyway, back to your success! Huzzah! :)